What Major Depressive Disorder Feels Like
For those who do not have major depressive disorder, it may be hard for you to imagine what it feels like.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in 2016. Before that, I still had major depressive disorder but was not able to receive treatment because I had not sought it, and frankly, did not think to seek it. Further, I came up in the cult of the IFB (Independent Fundamentalism), where talk of “mental health” or depression was a sign of weakness. According to the IFB cult, all you had to do was repent of whatever sin was plaguing you and believe the gospel more. This sinful point of view is not limited to the IFB. We still see this destructive way of thinking in our world today.
For those who do not have major depressive disorder, it may be hard for you to imagine what it feels like. Anybody and everybody can become depressed. Anybody and everybody can experience anxiety. Anybody and everybody can be plagued by seasonal or situational depression. However, major depressive disorder is a completely different beast.
Right now, I am actually suffering through a depressive episode. So, while the symptoms are fresh in my mind, allow me to guide you through some of what it feels like. This is not an exhaustive list, but it hits on the most common ones.
What Major Depressive Disorder Feels Like For Me
Loss of pleasure and desire to do the things I normally enjoy.
I am usually plagued by thoughts about quitting all of my online ministry work. I am bombarded with thoughts that nobody cares about what I am doing, and that I am wasting my time, and I should delete it all and do something else. This is a particularly hard thought to combat, and I have given in to this thinking several times over the last decade. Then, when the depressive episode lifts, I regret giving in and deleting everything because I realize that not only do I enjoy it, but I am good at it.
Feeling Like There Is A Dull Ache Down Deep In My Soul
I get a feeling, and it is not even in the pit of my stomach. It is an ache, a pain, a feeling of loneliness, and a dull, depressing feeling that feels as if it is right in the middle of my very soul. You can’t get rid of it. You can’t make it stop. It makes you feel sad, lonely, and basically immobile. It is amazing how I can be sitting somewhere and in my mind, I can have some gumption to get up and get moving, and my body simply will not respond due to the depression.
It Feels Like A Fog Is Hovering Over My Body
Depressive episodes are much like fog. You either wake up, and it is just there. Or, you wake up and see it moving in over the horizon. Once it arrives, it seems to hover and stop. Everything is tinted by the fog, and I feel like it will never lift. Then, when it lifts, it does so slowly, but I know when it is lifting, and when it has lifted, because I feel so much better.
It Amplifies Low Self Esteem
Depression really attacks my self-esteem and makes me feel as if I am worthless. Not in an entire sense but in a very real general sense. Granted, I have had enough years of medication and therapy to help me know this is not how I really feel. However, this disorder will amplify any levels of low self-esteem that one has.
Makes Me Feel Very Lonely
Depression has a way of making you feel very lonely. I tend to mistakenly feel that I am the only person in the world who feels this way when a depressive episode hits. I have had depression and have received treatment for it long enough now that I can discern the difference between general and normative depression or when I am just sad versus an actual major depressive disorder episode.
What Do I Do When This Happens?
Honestly, the best I can. However, I do have tools available to me to make sure I do not give in to the false things my mind is telling me during a depressive episode. For example, I avoid working on any of my online ministry stuff to a degree so that the depression won’t tempt me to think that I am wasting my time. There are other ways I combat this illness as well.
I pray that if you have major depressive disorder or if you think you may have it, please seek treatment from a qualified healthcare professional. You are not alone. You can feel better. I can’t promise you that treatment will heal you and remove the depression, but as I have, you can learn to live with it in a much healthier and stronger way.
By the way, to all the mental health Pharisees out there, no, I am not weak. No, I do not lack faith. I have a legitimate illness/disorder, and just like any physical one, I need and receive treatment for it. Is there a form of anxiety and depression that can be sinful? Yes, but as it is outlined in Scripture. Major depressive disorder is not something we sign up for, and the way we feel during an episode is not a sin because we literally can’t help it.
